JAN 10th- Giving In
Sunday was my first day to fast and I chose breakfast to be my meal to sacrifice. That morning during the service I was thinking about how my husband has been spending so much time ice skating and not enough time with me..... well, at least in my opinion! Nat was trying to show love to me because he knew I needed it. I was rejecting it because of my negative thoughts toward how I felt he should be spending more time at home. I felt God whisper in my ear that when I refuse to receive love from my husband I am really refusing to be loved by HIM because He wants to love my through my husband.
JAN 11th- Are we Loved?
This morning I put on my fav song by the David Crowder Band call "How He loves Us". I found myself overcome with the realization that God loves me! And not because of who I am or what I have done but simply just because. And I started thinking of how all of us as humans want to be loved just because we are who we are. I believe this is what God wants all of us to know. HOW MUCH HE LOVES US!! No matter what we did wrong or how bad we messed up He just loves us. And we don't have to try to earn His love. We don't have to try to be good parents, or a good wife or be kind to our neighbor. Although it's good to try, yet if we don't or we miss the mark there is No condemnation. No "you gotta do better next time". No "close, but that wasn't quite good enough. And no "I'll start loving YOU when YOU love Me back".
JAN 12th- You Never Let Go.
As I sat to spend time with God this day I put on yet another David Crowder song. This time it was "You never let go" that struck me. Realizing that God truly never lets go of us I couldn't help but think of all the times when it didn't FEEL like God was hanging onto me. I also though of many of you who might be feeling like God is gone and not holding onto you. I asked God how He would answer that question. Not that I can give a perfect translation of God's voice but I felt like He said that if even just ONE person is praying for you than He is still holding onto you.
JAN 13th- Silence
I am struggling to hear form God today. Maybe it is because I am dreadfully tired or maybe it is because I have a terrible attitude. My thoughts today have revolved around a hurtful act done by a friend of mine some time ago. As I dwelt on my feelings of self pity I though of how God must feel when we hurt Him. We can shake our fists at Him, blame Him for every thing, even though it was most likely the result of our own stupid choices, and we can out right curse His name yet He is ready and waiting to forgive us and restore our anger for joy. What amazing love that I can't not fathom.
Jan 14th- Help me!
This morning I was praying for random people. I felt that the people I was praying for need some sort of help from above. It brought brought me to the passage in Daniel 3:8-27 where Daniel's friends were thrown into the fiery furnace yet instead of being consumed by the fire, Jesus came and was with them and protected them..... even the hairs on their heads! How amazing is God that when we are going through hard times He is always there for us. And being there for us does not always mean He will put the fire out, for it is IN the fire that He makes us stronger, but He does promise to protect us.
Jan 17th- Getting ready
In church this morning someone shared an encouragement they got from watching the movie "Facing the Giants". There is a part in the movie where an elderly man comes into the school to pray for all the students as he passes each of their lockers. At one point he is challenging the head football coach who was currently struggling to get his team to win a game for the last six seasons. The man told a story of two farmers who asked God to bring some rain but only one farmer went out and plowed and got the fields ready for the rain. The man asked the coach which farmer did he think had more faith that God was going to bring the rain. The coach answered "the man who got his field ready". He then asked the coach "which farmer are you?"
Jan 17th- Surrendering
This evening we were back at church to see a YWAM team that was visiting our church. During the worship I was asking God how I can get closer to Him. He asked where does my happiness come from? My thoughts went to Alexia. If ever I am down or upset with my husband all I have to do is pick her up and look into her eyes of innocence and my heart melts. It is good to find happiness in people. God did create relationships so that we could love one another and feel loved through that but it is not healthy to place ALL your happiness in any relationship. If everyone we loved was taken from us where would we be? Could we still love and worship the same God that we worship when our family is with us?
Jan 20th- Here Comes the Rain!
This morning I was praying and my mind kept wondering to a video that I am working on. You see, the local radio station out here is having a contest. You have to send in a video telling them how you got engaged. Names will be drawn for a week and the winers will get to go to A Weekend to Remember conference at the Hershey Lodge in Hershey, PA. Since the Lord loves to give us the desires of our hearts, and I REALLY desire to go to this conference, I asked that God would bless us with this trip if He wanted to....... I stopped there. How many times to I say "If you want Lord... do this"? I mean, it is good to say "Your will be done and I will except that" but so many times I don't just out right ask God for what I want because I am too afraid that He will say no. And if I get a no then I feel as though God has forgotten about me or does not wish to give me good things. Oh how I need to remember that God has only GOOD things for me and just because I want to go to this conference does not mean that it is best for me. So if I give it to God and trust that He knows what I need then I can be happy and feel loved no matter what happens. But I will chose to do what the man said in "Facing the Giants". I will get my field ready for the rain!!
Jan 26th- Pressing On
I am finding it hard to continue with this venture. Every time my tummy grumbles with discomfort I wonder why I signed up for this? Don't get me wrong, there is no doubt in my mind that God has been speaking to me, it just hasn't been exactly earth shattering. But I have decided that this is o.k with me for I know a little about God's character. When we willingly do as He is asking us to do He WILL bless us; a blessing, however, that may not be immediate or tangible. Jesus often talked about storing up treasures in Heaven. Perhaps it is true that when we obey God He stores up our reward in Heaven rather than giving it to us right away. But I have also experienced that God does bless us in the here and now. The only thing left for us to do is to choose to continue even when we don't see immediate results or blessings. So I will press on even when I feel like giving up.
Jan 31st
I have been struggling to understand why fasting is beneficial and why we do it. As I was talking with friends I realized that I am not the only one who had these questions running though my mind. Some times it is hard to believe that God is there and listening to us when we don't feel Him or see Him moving in our lives. It is so hard at this time to keep going and keep doing what He is asking us to do. I had a good conversation with Nat and a friend of ours in the car on the way to church about what it means to fast. They were trying to get me to see that it is not about what you fast or how you do it, but rather it is more about your heart and making the intention to spend time with God and listen to His voice. The fasting part is just your reminder to press in harder than you usually do. The idea is that if you are more alert you will pick up on more of what God is doing. He is always there we just don't always see Him because we are not looking.
Feb 1st
This evening I was having trouble sleeping and my mind kept going back to my high school days when I experienced a lot of hurt from a friend. I remember the day I decided I wasn't going to let myself get hurt anymore so I put up a wall. I think we all have a wall or two or three that we know is there. I realized last night that even though I put up that wall and tried not to get hurt I still managed to get myself into a few situations that caused me a great deal of heartache; even more heartache than the initial act that caused me to put up a wall. Who then, are we protecting ourselves or blocking ourselves from. It occurred to me that the only person I managed to successfully block out was God; the very person who Loves me more than anyone else. When I let my guard down and let God in He makes me feel loved and wanted. AND He helps me forgive those who hurt me therefore relieving me of the pain they caused me. So we let down our wall- let God in- He trades our sorrow for joy- eliminating the need to put up a wall!
